New Year...New Resolutions

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It's a fresh year. One that I've been looking forward to for half a decade. Rhett is in the class of '10, so I've been thinking how great it would be when 2010 rolls around and he'll graduate and we'll no longer be in the student situation...not to admit being a student does have advantages we'll miss--like a week long Christmas break with no work for either of us.

I've made some goals for this year. But they're the things I'm always trying to improve and still haven't mastered, and I doubt you care to know what they are.

I don't know if it's due to watching some high school movies lately with nieces and nephews, or some "insanely intense girl-talk" (their description when I arrived of the top priority for our weekend agenda) with my 12 year old nieces this past weekend all about their crushes and middle school drama, but rather than thinking about the future resolutions, I've been reflecting on the past.

IF I HAD TO REPEAT HIGH SCHOOL, WHAT WOULD I DO DIFFERENT?

I don't really have that many things I regret doing--it's all the little things I didn't do. Didn't get out of the house much I guess. Plenty of embarrassing moments, but it gives me something to laugh about now so I may just endure them a second time around knowing I'd appreciate them later...maybe not. Some were really embarrassing.

The things I regret probably wouldn't really made that big of a difference in how I turned out or where I ended up for the most part, but I realize I could have maybe made a positive influence on someone, and definitely enjoyed the experience more if I had. Looking back all of these things weren't accomplished because I didn't have the courage or confidence I guess, and all have to with the fact I wish I was basically a better person:

-Given the compliments I thought: I am so bad at giving compliments, and even worse at receiving them. Stupid. Especially giving compliments. Everyone loves a compliment, so I don't know why I don't say them when I think them. I guess I'm socially inept like Michael Scott.

(talking about Pam) Michael Scott: "I would never say this to her face, but she is a wonderful person and a gifted artist.
Oscar: What? Why wouldn't you say that to her face?

Most people probably consider giving/ receiving compliments a natural element of being a human being, but to me it is a skill I'm still trying to learn. So I'm sure anyone who is reading this probably has a compliment about you I've thought but never said, and don't anyone dare compliment me because you make me awkward. And the few that have received a compliment, I really meant it.

But I really regret this in high school because there were so many friends that were good examples to me, or had characteristics I admired that I failed to let them know. What a trash bucket friend I was.

-Been myself earlier. For those that know me well, I'm pretty loud, silly, enjoy having fun. But for large portions of my life I'm sure some of my peers wondered if I was mute or just the physical embodiment of the words: boring or lame.

In 5th grade I switched schools, and jumped right in being silly, loud, and annoying. That is who I am. But a lot of kids started to call me "weirdo". Kids are mean, but I understood what made me weird was my overwhelming personality, so when we moved the next year, I was determined to keep my gaping mouth shut so the new school wouldn't find out I am a weirdo.

So I was still the same weirdo, hiding in a husk of lame, shy, mute, insecurity through jr. high and the majority of high school. This resulted in having very few, but very close friends. I liked Weirdo better than Mutey. But Mutey was safe. And I think those that really took the painful energy to work past Mutey, preferred Weirdo also. I think the key to get to know me all those years were sleepovers. I would go crazy to the point of one parent (Bishop Graham) threatening to take me home if I couldn't be quiet. I was 15 years old at that point too, and was keeping everyone awake impersonating Steve Erwin--Croc Hunter, whether they wanted to hear it or not. I think at sleepovers, all my energy holding Weirdo in the lame-cage erupted, and like a wild animal racing around trying to enjoy the few moments of freedom, I was out of control.

the two extremes

Since then, a few people have had whiffs of my potential mania, which is why a
co-worker named Jeff once told me a few years ago, "out of anyone, you are the
person I would most love to watch if you ever got drunk". I'm still trying to figure out if that is complimentary or derogatory. To posess a high level of potential drunk entertainment??? I guess it's a good thing I've never ingested alcohol.

It wasn't until I was a senior that I really started to feel like I could let my hair down [literally, my hair was slicked back in a bun for years] and acted like myself at school. When I allowed Weirdo out of the cage on a regular basis, she was a lot more in control and appropriate. It was a lot of fun my senior year, but I wish I'd allowed people to get to know the real me all along. I may or may not have had more friends, I KNOW I would have annoyed more kids than I have, but I know I would have been happier being myself as the real Jessica, rather than a weirdo pretending not to be. I guess I eventually gained confidence where I could embrace Weirdo and was happy to be her.

-Thanking People: I think this problem is a cousin cancer of the complimenting issue. I think God is very conscious of putting people in your life to touch it in small, at the time seemingly insignificantly, ways. But all these small brushes with other people can really impact you. For some reason, I have a really good memory with experiences. I can remember stupid details like what we were wearing, what we ate, where everyone was sitting, and a good portion of what was said. So I remember really small things people did that were kind to me, and I guess I can also remember all the mean things too so look out if you ever get in a fight, I can pull crap up from decades prior. I try not to though.

My nephew Cole always teases me about having a "VIVID MEMORY" which was my ammunition in an argument Rhett and I had a while ago on one of our excursions with all the kids. I'll say something in my defence now like: "Trust me. I remember!" Cole will ask: Is it a vivid memory?

In any case, there were many little things people did that meant a lot in high school that I never thanked them for. There's probably a different reason for each person in the end, but overall I feel like I received a lot from other people without ever letting them know. In reality, there may not be room, time, or opportunity to really let every life that touches ours for good know about it.

But in this area I've actually been trying to be better, or at least try to make up for it. As lame as it is, thanks to Facebook. I hope the years late "thanks for being nice to the loser in high school notes" are more welcome and less creepy, but are probably some of both. It could be worse though, at least I don't have a long list of people to apologize to so they can scratch me off their "PEOPLE TO KILL" list like Billy Madison. I definitely did have people to apologize too, and it was embarrassing, humbling, and I feel like I have cleared most of those up if I could. Maybe not. If I was cruel to anyone and just forgot, please email me so we can work it out before you kill me. jessica.crapo@gmail.com. I'm not joking about that actually.

-Making effort to spend time with other people: I am a hermit. Home-body. I prefer to stay at home rather than go do anything. I just feel like there were so many great people I had the chance to interact with and get to know but didn't take the chance. I think having very few but very close friends suits my personality, but there were amazing kids around in high school that I didn't take advantage of learning from or enjoying. I guess this last one is a selfish regret.

-Slower to judge: for good or bad, never very accurate, judging people is a bad habit I am victim of. I hate feeling like a victim to my own choice. Anyway, wish I'd done less assuming and more searching for people's potential.

-Appearance: Less important, but I wish I'd had a little more help with choosing clothes back then. Or knowing how to do my hair {mysha did help telling me to get a diffuser}. I guess I never had the desire, so what you saw is what you got. My appearance has never been an area of any conscious thought to me...which is maybe why it is so drab. I get up and put on what is comfortable. Crap. I'd like help with this now.

I think I'll stop there. As I've been thinking about this, I was kind of surprised most of my greatest regrets deal with my relationships with other people. I think this may be the same when we die, and reflect back on our lives in general. Things we'd most wish to change were smaller decisions that involve our relationships with other people.

Also more revealing, every single thing I've listed are the same regrets of each stage of my life. High school. College. Kirksville. Now. I guess I am one of those people who receive a lot but doesn't give much to those around me. I have improved some. Need to be better. Hopefully I'll eventually be better at these regrets and in 50 years you'll see one granny that is really great at complimenting, thanking, and giving...but she'll probably still be wearing the lame outfits.

I mean really, if I showed up and had an entire, cute, trendy, matching outfit--would it really be me? Friends let me know. Because I have a gift card and I almost got these boots. Getting ideas of my clothes I could wear with them, I kept thinking, this isn't me. It would seem like wearing a costume. But then I like them, so why can't it be me? You see? This is why I hate wasting time on fashion. You're right--who the crap cares.

But then I don't care, and that is why I look the way I do.

Maybe leave a comment of what one should wear with the boots to help me out...just in case I do end up using the gift card to get them afterall. Or give it to me straight and tell me they are 80s style and will be out before I know it and to spend the money on future shoes for my kid like a practical, self sacrificing mom should.