My Family Is Passionate About Food

This is my dad, Scott. (and Lynette)

Scott loves watermelon.

Scott is passionate about food, especially his favorite foods.

When I was in high school, my older sister and I were in our kitchen chatting. It was a Saturday night at 11:45pm. My dad stumbled in to the kitchen in his underwear, tossed some cash on the counter and squinting, muttered: "I need a watermelon. You better hurry. It's Sunday soon," (We were raised not to spend money on the Sabbath) turned and left the room. I called after him "Dad are you awake?" "I need a watermelon!" he replied, trudging back up the stairs to bed. So Heather and I fetched him the midnight watermelon so he could sleep knowing there was one to greet him in the morning.

Watermelon makes his summer.

This being said, you may understand this next story better.

Unfortunately, I was not present so this is passed on from the rest of the family. (Photo of my cousin, Nate, with a watermelon my mom grew in our garden)

Watermelon season was on, and Scott went to the local grocery store, Kholer's. Upon returning home, and cutting the melon in half, he was outraged to find it was completely white inside. Ticked, he threw it out and grabbed his keys. Soon he returned home, having bought the second watermelon. "This one better be good!" he said sawing it in half.

It was also white inside.

Scott was a-n-g-r-y. Infuriated, he threw this melon back in the sack and grabbed the huge carving knife and declared: "I'm not going to leave that store without a good watermelon!" Lynette, who was in high school at the time, knew this would be a sight to see and jumped in the car to watch the spectacle.

As they pulled into the parking space, and my dad was gathering the hacked melon and his huge knife, Lynette noticed peers from school going into the store and decided she'd wait in the car. So no one was there to report the rest of what happened, we'll take Scott's word for it:

He marched straight to the customer service, flinging the plastic sack leaking bitter melon juice on the counter. "I'm not leaving until I find a decent one," Scott said raising the knife as he continued marching to the melon pile. The display of watermelons was a large pile in the middle of the produce section. Scott just started hacking into them. You can imagine the scene of some infuriated Irishman with his wife's Cutco bread knife going to town on the local watermelon patch.

Luckily for my dad they didn't call the cops for wielding a knife like that.

Luckily for Kholer's produce department Scott found an acceptable watermelon on the second hack.

Holding the two halves of the acceptable watermelon in his arms, he walked past customer service on his way out, announcing: "I found one." Once at home, we all laughed and still think it is so funny. I'd like to think Kholer's had to develop protocol for anyone else bringing knives in to hack up all their produce, because they definitely didn't have a procedure or plan to stop Scott.

We take food very seriously in our family. So look out, summer is coming and with that watermelon. But lately we've been going to Costco for our melon and haven't had issues.

Reminds me of this Seinfeld episode:
(Kramer holds up cantaloupe)
KRAMER: Taste this.
JERRY: No, I just had a sandwich.
KRAMER: No, taste it. Taste it.
JERRY: I don't want cantaloupe now.
KRAMER: You've never had cantaloupe like this before.
JERRY: I only eat cantaloupe at certain times.
KRAMER: Jerry, this is great cantaloupe.
JERRY: Alright.. (tastes it)
KRAMER: Ah, huh. It's good?
JERRY: It's very good.
KRAMER: Good, huh?
JERRY: Good.
KRAMER: I got it at Joe's.
JERRY: Uh-huh.
KRAMER: Forty-nine cents a pound. That's practically half than what you're paying at the supermarket. I don't know why you don't go to Joe's.
JERRY: It's too far.
KRAMER: It's three blocks further. You can use my shopping cart...
JERRY: I'm not pulling a shopping cart. What am I suppose to wear? A kerchief? Put stockings on and roll 'em down below my knee?
KRAMER: See, the other thing is, if you don't like anything, he takes it right back.
JERRY: I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in.

So tell me, have you ever returned fruit?