Happy Halloween

My First Day in Hell
by Jack Handey

Published October 30, 2006 in New Yorker Magazine

My first day in Hell is drawing to a close. They don’t really have a sunset here, but the fires seem to dim a bit, and the screaming gets more subdued. Most of the demons are asleep now, their pointy tails curled up around them. They look so innocent, it’s hard to believe that just a few hours ago they were raping and torturing us.

The day started off at a party at the Chelsea Hotel, where some friends were daring me to do something. The next thing I knew, I was in Hell. At first, it seemed like a dream, but then I remembered that five-Martini dreams are usually a lot worse.

There’s a kind of customs station when you arrive here, where a skeleton in a black robe checks a big book to make sure your name’s there. And as he slowly scans the pages with his bony finger you can’t help thinking, Why does a skeleton need a robe? Especially since it’s so hot. That’s the first thing you notice about Hell, how hot it is. I know it’s a cliché, but it’s true. Fortunately, it’s a steamy, sulfury kind of hot. Like a spa or something.

You might think that people in Hell are all nude. But that’s a myth. You wear what you were last wearing on earth. For instance, I am dressed like the German U-boat captain in the movie “Das Boot,” because that’s what I wore to the party. It’s an easy costume, because all you really need is the hat. The bad part is, people are always asking you who you are, even in Hell. Come on! “Das Boot”!

The food here turns out to be surprisingly good. The trouble is, just about all of it is poisoned. So a few minutes after you finish eating you’re doubled over in agony. The weird thing is, as soon as you recover you’re ready to dig in all over again.

Despite the tasty food and warm weather, there’s a dark side to Hell. For one thing, it’s totally disorganized. That anything gets done down here is a miracle. You’ll be herded along in one big line, then it’ll separate into three lines, then the lines will all come back together again! For no apparent reason! It’s crazy. You try to ask a demon a question, but he just looks at you. I don’t mean to sound prejudiced, but you wonder if they even speak English.

To relieve the boredom, you can throw rocks at other people in line. They just think it was a demon. But I discovered the hard way that the demons don’t like it when they’re beating someone and you join in.

It’s odd, but Hell can be a lonely place, even with so many people around. They all seem caught up in their own little worlds, running to and fro, wailing and tearing at their hair. You try to make conversation, but you can tell they’re not listening.

A malaise set in within a couple hours of my arriving. I thought getting a job might help. It turns out I have a lot of relatives in Hell, and, using connections, I became the assistant to a demon who pulls people’s teeth out. It wasn’t actually a job, more of an internship. But I was eager. And at first it was kind of interesting. After a while, though, you start asking yourself: Is this what I came to Hell for, to hand different kinds of pliers to a demon? I started wondering if I should even have come to Hell at all. Maybe I should have lived my life differently, and gone to Heaven instead.

I decided I had to get away—the endless lines, the senseless whipping, the forced sing-alongs. You get tired of trying to explain that you’ve already been branded, or that something that big won’t fit in your ear, even with a hammer. I wandered off. I needed some me time. I came to a cave and went inside. Maybe I would find a place to meditate, or some gold nuggets.
That’s when it happened, one of those moments which could only happen in Hell. I saw Satan. Some people have been in Hell for hundreds of years and have never seen Satan, but there he was: he was shorter than I thought he’d be, but he looked pretty good. He was standing on a big rock with his reading glasses on. I think he was practicing a speech. “Hey, Satan,” I yelled out, “how’s it going?” I was immediately set upon by demons. I can’t begin to describe the tortures they inflicted on me, because apparently they are trade secrets. Suffice it to say that, even as you endure all the pain, you find yourself thinking, Wow, how did they think of that?
My stitches are a little itchy, but at least the demons sewed most of my parts back on. More important, my faith in Hell as an exciting place where anything can happen has been restored.
I had better get some rest. They say the bees will be out soon and that it’s hard to sleep with the constant stinging. I lost my internship, but I was told I can reapply in a hundred years. Meanwhile, I’ve been assigned to a construction crew. Tomorrow we’re supposed to build a huge monolith, then take picks and shovels and tear it down, then beat each other to death. It sounds pointless to me, but what do I know. I’m new here. ♦

You want more Jack?

THRILLER

Last weekend, Rhett's sisters and their daughters and RJ and I went to St. George for a girl's weekend and to see Odyssey Dance Theatre's Production of Thriller at the Tuachan amphitheatre.

We had a blast. After watching Michael Jackson's Thriller video all morning, the mom's went shopping and I stayed home with the nieces. They wanted to swim. It was really nice weather, but the pool had not been heated for weeks and the water was cold. But when you are 10 years old, what is freezing cold water when you have the opportunity to swim all day long?

I was taking pictures and after enough harassment, jumped in also. I swam for the first half of the day with them, but I guess I'm lame because after we ate our lunch of dino-shaped chicken nuggets, I just couldn't get back in. When I'd get out, it would feel so warm in the air, I stayed out. When I announced I was done swimming for the day, Brinley (7) said: "Jess, I think the water is warmer now." I dipped my hand in and said it felt about the same to me. "Well, you gotta feel it with your foot." I laughed and she dove in.

We made homemade caramel and dipped a bunch of apples and pretzel rods. That was fun. By this time Rhett's sisters came back from shopping and my Mom came home from work and we headed off to Snow Canyon.

The girls were afraid of the zombies that walk around prior to the performance and at intermission. We took a picture with one, and then Brooklyn felt brave enough to get a picture alone with a zombie. The show was great, with the headless horseman on stage with a live horse and a flying fire pumpkin ball being new to me since I saw it 3 years ago. I always love the black lit skeletons that tap dance and the Bride of Frankenstein. My favorite, has to be, however, the Sugar Plum Fairy being shot dead by Jason.

Cheap Prescription Glasses

Rhett needed new glasses and we were excited when we heard about this website: www.ZenniOptical.com

You can get glasses for $8.00. We just went to Costco for the eye exam to get a prescription and we've saved a lot of money and he was able to get a couple pairs. If you are prone to break, lose, or scratch your glasses, (like us) this is a great website.

The last ones had much bigger lenses than he thought. He calls them his "grandpa glasses"

Creepy Crapo Family Halloween Dinner

The last few years, I've always hosted a Halloween Dinner. The first year was specifically for Lynette's 18th birthday where we made the creepy meal and then took her to Thriller, by Odyssey Dance Theatre, and it became a tradition. The food is supposed to be creepy and we eat in the near dark by candle light. The two things that are staples are the troll toe bread sticks and dry ice brew beverage.

This year it was HIGHLY recommended you dress up, but not everyone did. My older brother James was great as Richie Tenenbaum from the movie The Royal Tenenbaums. I was Sleeping Beauty (my crown got damaged in storage and is bent funny) and RJ was Gus Gus the fat mouse from Cinderella. My Mom came up from St. George for the weekend and at the last minute found a robe with a rope for a belt and called herself Friar Tuck, keeping with the Disney theme I guess. Herschel said he would totally dress up, and I should make him a Kermit the Frog costume, where his face in the hood is coming out of the frog's mouth. It was enough for me to sew RJ's white trash costume and I didn't get around to a 6' 3" frog jump suit so he ended up not dressing up at all, but you can see his head poking out from behind the picture of James and I.

In the end, it was a lot of fun and I wish my sisters had been around for it.

MENU
Creepy Crapo Dinner
October 19, 2008

Appetizer:
Caterpillars wrapped in bloody bandages and marinated in dragon’s blood
lil smokey's wrapped in bacon recipe

Beverage:
Chilled werewolf saliva with a hint of beetle powder

Real apple cider (opaque and brown in the plastic jug) mixed with ginger ale, and dry ice for brew effect

Entrée:
Succulent mammoth flat-worms in a vampire puss sauce dotted with bat scabs beside a bed of aged compost topped with witch’s finger nails and ghoul claws in addition to classic troll toes.

Fettuccine pasta that Rhett made from scratch with bacon and sun-dried tomatoes in the sauce, bed of salad, and our favorite...the troll toe bread sticks. Add green food coloring when you make the dough. Add an almond for a toe nail and grated Parmesan for hair...too gross to eat? They are delicious and like I told Herschel, get over it. This one I used as an example is kind of too short and too fat, the good ones are wider in the middle to look like a knuckle, and the almond is closer to the top. I don't know why I chose a crappy toe as the example, sorry.

Dessert:
Bat droppings cake topped with mummy ooze

Poppy seed cake with cream cheese frosting. My intent was to reserve some frosting at the end and add red food coloring and thin it down to more of a glaze. I wanted it to drip down the sides of the cake like blood or something, but it wasn't thin enough, so I had a white cake with a ring of red frosting. Rhett and I were staring at it and he suggested I crumble Oreos along the base for dirt and say it's a guy with his head in the ground and they cut his head off, so that's why the blood doesn't drip, because his head is upside down in the dirt. Despite this detailed description, I ended up just throwing some gummy worms on there to call it scary enough...but man, what a disappointing dessert for the big Halloween dinner. I should have added the red food coloring to corn syrup and just plopped that on, that would have definitely dripped.

Anyway, you still have a while to plan/host a fun Halloween Dinner! I'm sure you can find more and probably better creepy food ideas than mine, my friend Kassie recommended bread bowls that were spiders...maybe next year.

snow...snow....Snow...SNOW! SNOW!!!! It won't be long before we're there with...

Last Sunday was amazing! RJ slept through the night, I woke to this view out his room, we all slept in a little, listened to Christmas music all morning getting ready for church, and Rhett made french toast for breakfast and I ate it with the last of the fresh raspberries and Magleby's syrup..delish, cozy, and memorable.

My Top 10 Halloween Movies...a little lame-o

This list is probably really lame, because I'm not a fan of horror movies and this is probably the same list I'd make as a 12-year-old, but this is how I feel... more childhood nostalgia than anything.
10. Hocus Pocus

9. Lady In White

8. Edward Scissorhands

7. Nightmare Before Christmas (Is it a Halloween or Christmas?)

6. Psycho

5. Corpse Bride

4. The Witches

3. The Legend of Sleepy Hollow: Ichabod Crane

2. Charlie Brown & the Great Pumpkin

1. Young Frankenstein

Flashback

In August we blessed RJ at my parent's house.

I love fall

American Fork Canyon

Fall Reminds Me Of....

Lately I've been doing all of the harvest duties because my Mom has moved to St. George. It has been a good learning experience, we always helped with the garden process as kids, but I realized I didn't know how to can beginning to end, so I've had a second chance these past few weeks to learn the whole process. This last week I made and canned applesauce and pizza sauce.

The applesauce day was last weekend when it was chilly outside, overcast, and the house was filled with the aroma of apples and cinnamon. I watched Little Women while I worked and all of the fall coziness and old fashioned canning made me miss Lynette.

She and Drew are on tour and a lot of my "cozy" memories in my Mom's house she is part of and it would have been great if she had been there, loving it also.

As my mind was thinking of Lynette, I saw the pumpkins. Immediately my mind went back two years ago. We had just moved to Missouri and Lynette called with the greatest story. This past week I've been laughing every time I see a pumpkin, and missing Lynette terribly. Today I called her and asked her to retell me the tale. We laughed as we remembered it and so here is her story, shared with her permission:

It was Lynette's first semester of college. Just 18 and fresh into the world of living without siblings and parents. She chose to attend college in the southern half of the state, giving some distance from her family in the north half, but remaining close enough.

She'd declared Art as her major, but being a freshman, her schedule was filled with required general courses and no art. To her delight, she learned of open art session in the evenings. Anyone could attend, a display would be organized, and a professor would be there.

Being October and Fall, Lynette assumed they would have a still life display of leaves and pumpkins for her to sketch. She arrived in the classroom and was one of five students. There was a podium set in the center of the room, "Odd," she thought "that they didn't have it all ready to go."

As she arranged her art supplies, she was surprised when a young guy entered the room. The professor introduced him as the model for the day's session.

We'll now go to the telephone conversation I had with Lynette two years ago as she told me the rest...

"The 'model' went into a closet and came out in a robe. I thought for sure this kind of thing requires a speedo for guys and a bikini if it was a girl. He climbed up on the platform and the professor told him we were ready and he dropped the robe...HE WAS TOTALLY NAKED. I was kind of shocked and looked down. I didn't know what to do, should I grab my stuff and run the crap out of here? But I told myself this was what I was majoring in and I would just have to deal with it sooner or later, I could be professional about this and avoid certain areas. So I decided I should stay.

The professor came over to me, because I guess I was blushing or something and he asked: "Are you OK?" I told him yes. "Is this your first live display?" I said it was. He laughed and said: "I could tell."

At this point I pictured poor Lynette's virginal eyes glued to her sketch pad and hesitant to look up. I asked her what the model did.

"He was really awkward, apparently I wasn't the only one new to "live displays". They told him to pose, and he kind of just stood there with both hands shielding his crotch...so they gave him a prop."

"You've got to be kidding me. What kind of prop do you give a naked man?"

"They gave him a staff to hold, but he was still pretty awkward. So we began drawing, I chose to focus on the upper body and torso...obviously. They would have him hold a pose for 10 minutes and then he gets a break. After a few poses, he apparently got more comfortable and started chatting with the group. We found out where he served his mission, that he was a football player here and oh...that he went to LPHS."

At this news I exploded. What? He went to high school with us?? Yes he did. She told me his name: D. R. At this point I recognized the name but couldn't remember the face. Holding the phone I ran up to my storage boxes, tearing through memorabilia until I found my year book. He had told the art class the year he graduated so it was easy to find him. We were both busting up laughing....but back to her story.

"Another thing, there was this Asian student that was doing a project on light, and the contrast with shadows...anyway, he was loving the whole session too much for me. The model would pose and this guy would say: 'Oh I love it, move a little to the left. OH PERFECT!' basically posing the naked dude verbally and being really excited about the art. That was kind of annoying, but what really put me over the edge was the model. I think by this time he was a little too comfortable and so in between, on his breaks, he'd stretch."

He'd stretch? Like stretch his back?

"No. I wish it was only that. I would think, you're standing totally nude in front of strangers. On your breaks, common nude model courtesy would be to hop off the podium and put your robe back on."

Wait...he stayed on the podium? Naked? And he was stretching???

"Yes. Raised up above everyone in the middle of the room...stretching!"

But what kind of stretches was he doing?

"Like deep lunges. The kind like Molly Shannon in Saturday Night Live where she says she likes to 'Stretch, kick, and stretch.' Full on lunge, legs separated, genitalia just....just hanging!!!"

What? I shrieked.

"He also did that stretch for your butt where you cross your ankle on to your opposite knee and kind of sit in the air with your knees separated, sticking your hip out."

Oh my heck Lynette! I can't believe this and he's just stretching away on a platform as he chats away?

"Yes Jessica. Just totally comfortable with it all. Once he started stretching, though, I just couldn't take it anymore and I got up and left."

The rest of the conversation we discussed how much he got paid, if posing nude, even in the name of art would be appropriate according to our religious beliefs, if the door to the art classroom had windows for the unfortunate passersby, whether he was in shape or not, any trace memories I could dig up from high school, and a lot of laughing.

Later upon further inquiry with others that grew up in our area, we found out he was married and for some reason, it added a new dimension to the story...Lynette and I concluded they must have been hard up for cash for his wife to consent to her husband's contributions to the art department.

Lynette loves writing poetry, and one of her collections has been published. Here is her poem from this experience:

"Shocking"

by Lynette

went to free draw

because I haven't

been to a drawing class

in quite a while

I anticipated a still life

of leaves and a pumpkin

there was a model

in the center of the room

he removed his drape

and with it

my innocence to the

male figure

It's Autumn Time

I love Fall...especially in the mountains

Thrilling News

An LDS Temple in Rome, Italy

President Thomas S. Monson's announcement of a temple to be constructed in Rome was met with an audible gasp and smiles from the congregation gathered for the Saturday morning session of the October 2008 General Conference.2 President Monson noted that the Church already owns the intended site. The Rome Italy Temple will be Italy's first.

Excited Italians have expressed that a large parcel of land owned by the Church in northeast Rome would make a wonderful location for the new Rome Italy Temple. The site under discussion sits on the outskirts of the city at a freeway interchange among the beautiful Mediterranean pine trees of the Roman countryside.

from http://www.ldschurchtemples.com/rome/

I was one of the many watching General Conference who gasped as my jaw dropped at the announcement of the Rome, Italy temple. For decades Saints in Italy have looked forward to the future building of the Roman LDS Temple. Rhett always said if the church ever constructs the temple in our life times, whatever was going on in our lives, we would do everything possible to be there for the Open House/ Dedication. So yesterday was so exciting for us to learn of the privilege we'll have to watch in the future years as the Italian nation is blessed to have a temple of their very own. We are looking forward in anticipation to hopefully be there to see it with our own eyes and share the in the joy with the Italian Saints. We can't believe it, we are absolutely thrilled for our friends in Italy.